How to Make Your Relationship Work: Practical Tips
Relationships are hard work. Often a lot harder than our actual jobs. This is part of the reason we’re so passionate about relationship coaching. To give you the professional guidance and support you may need to make your relationship work. Making a relationship work requires a lot of work and dedication. Here are the key ways to make your relationship work for you below.
Happiness in a Relationship
Happiness comes from you, not from your partner or your relationship. However, there are some things you can pay attention to to keep your relationship strong and help to make your relationship work. Your relationship coach can help guide you on how to implement these tips in your current relationship:
Find the Laughter Together
―You laugh not because you are happy; you are happy because you laugh. William James.
Every successful relationship I know shares a few common traits, and laughter is top of the list. Laughter brings happiness and it relieves stress. Laugh at the little things and laugh at yourself. Keep the laughter alive in your relationship and you will feel the relationship joy.
Laughter is a great diffuser of tension. I know one couple who would watch their wedding video when they were having problems. Each time it would remind them of how awkward and nervous they were then. Each time they watched their laughter grew, and they were reminded of their love for each other.
Build Trust Consistently
Everyone I know would agree that trust is a critical component to a strong and healthy relationship. Trust can’t be taught; it‘s something that is developed over time.
Trust is gained by doing what you say you are going to do, and meaning what you say. With consistent follow through you gain and establish trust. Your partner will then know that they can rely on you.
Use Real Communication
It‘s easy to say that to have a strong relationship, you need to communicate effectively. But what does that really mean?
It means not just the quantity of communication, but also the quality. It‘s great if you talk often; but if you‘re not talking about real issues, it‘s superficial. Successful couples have the tough conversations and the embarrassing ones. Couples have these conversations no matter how painful it may be. These couples know that the payoff is a stronger relationship.
In order to facilitate these conversations, use laughter and trust. This way your partner won’t feel judged and can open up to you. Staying open-minded will help the communication juices flow.
There are many forms of communication beyond talking. For example, in our electronically-connected lives, people often stay in touch through e-mail and text. These can be great tools to keep that connection to your partner. Be aware of choosing the right communication tool for the content. Written communication can seem easier to say some things. The downside of texting and email is that the emotion and tone of your message can’t be communicated. Use these communication methods with care.
Understand Different Communication Styles
If both sexes agree that communication is important and critical to a relationship, why is it still so hard? Men and women have very different communication styles and expectations.
One critical difference is that women generally want to express feelings and men want to solve problems.
Have you ever been upset about something and when telling your partner about it you felt that he didn‘t sympathize? It was probably because he started suggesting all the things you could do to change the situation.
This is a very common occurrence in relationships, and the source of frustration on both sides. There are some tips below that you may want to try to work through the different styles of you and your partner.
Tell Your Partner Exactly What You Need
When he starts problem solving tell him you aren‘t ready for that yet, and that you just need him to listen to the problem (not always easy for a problem solver).
Instead of getting upset when he doesn‘t tell you what you want to hear, like it’s ok honey, everything will be fine, try to understand his perspective. He’s trying to help you in the best way he knows how i.e. trying to solve the problem. This practical approach may leave some of us feeling unsupported emotionally.
When you‘re not in the heat of the moment, explain to him the different styles you have in communicating. Take it as an opportunity to help your partner respond in a way that helps you more next time. You want your partner to understand that when you come to them with a problem you’re often not looking for a solution. It‘s more about him just being there for you and listening and empathizing.
Establish Relationship Role clarity
I read an interesting article that said the division of labor between a man and women is a great predictor of the longevity of a marriage. If one person is carrying 80 percent of the domestic chores on their shoulders, this may cause a strain. It causes an imbalance in the relationship, with resentments building up over time. The more the household work is split evenly the more likelihood the relationship has a chance of lasting.
I helped businesses achieve role clarity by helping team members spell out exactly what was expected of them with the consensus of the team. This is an extremely effective way to manage a team as it ensures there are no gaps or overlaps.
The same approach can be applied to a relationship. Role clarity can avoid misunderstandings and conflict up front and along the way.
Operating Principles – Agree on Money, Kids, Family, and Career
Reaching agreement on how you are going to operate as a couple will pave a path of partnership in your future. Love is the easy part; often it is the other stuff (i.e. life) that can harm a relationship. Despite the fact that people love each other, many couples can’t stay together. This is because of their differing views on how life should be lived.
Even if you’ve been together many years, it’s not too late to set up these foundational pieces as a fresh start moving forward.
Get Your Money Right
Many studies say that money is the Number 1 thing that couples fight about. It’s not about how much money you have or not; conflict is usually about how money should be spent.
Make sure you have general agreement on who is going to earn the money and how it‘s going to be spent. Ideally before getting financially involved with your partner.
Establish the Relationship Ground Rules
Let‘s face it, we all get angry, and sometimes the one you love the most is the one you end up taking it out on the most.
Two of my good friends (I inadvertently played matchmaker and they ended up getting married to each other, but that‘s another story) attribute the success of their marriage to one simple rule: Never go to bed angry. No matter what happens, they have promised each other that they will talk through any issue and not go to bed mad.
Understanding each others ground rules is very important as I learned once when I hung up on my boyfriend during an argument. My then-boyfriend almost broke up with me over it. If I had known that hanging-up was a line not to be crossed with him, I would’ve changed my behavior.
It‘s important to establish ground rules, so that no matter what happens you will not cross those lines. Whether it be never hang up on each other, go to bed angry, swear at each other, or whatever it is that you each see as non-negotiable.
Establish a Common Vision for Your Relationship
Highly effective people have developed personal vision statements. Having a vision as a couple can be a powerful exercise. Both of you can become aligned on what it is you want your relationship to become in the future.
Is your vision to be the happiest couple possible for as long as possible? Is it to make each other better people? Or is it to raise as many children as possible in a happy, healthy, home?
Imagine that, instead of being a couple, the two of you are an organization:
What vision statement will drive your behavior in the future?
Write Down Your Relationship Objectives
Successful organizations and people also have objectives, including both personal and professional. Usually to be accomplished on a timeline, such as within six months, one year, three years, and five years.
Establishing objectives as a couple serves two purposes. Firstly, it will help you achieve role clarity (who will help the couple achieve what part of the objective). Secondly, it will drive your behaviors as couple.
So, if your goal is to save a down-payment for a house within a year, each of you will become more conscious of your spending habits. It will also make sure that you are aligned as a couple on the most important things in your life.
When discussing your objectives you find out that their plans don’t include moving out of their parent‘s basement, this is important. This will affect other discussions you will want to have with your partner about your future.
Establish Shared Long-Lasting Values
Successful organizations and people also articulate the values that drive them. As a couple, what are the three to five most important values that you want to keep at the forefront of your relationship? Are these values love, honesty and trust? Or are they loyalty, open communication, support, and understanding?
Share what is most important to both of you, and reach agreement on what values are most important to your relationship.
Contact us to learn about how a Relationship Coach can help you find the relationship happiness you deserve. Our coaches can guide both of you through the process of how to make your relationship work best for you. We can facilitate some of the important conversations above. We are passionate about helping you find joy in your relationship again.