How to Survive a Break-up
Break-ups are hard on the heart but good for the soul. A break-up is a transition phase where you prepare to find someone that is more aligned to your values and can provide you the kind of love you need. That may be true but in the meantime the pain is real and it’s hard to see past it. Here are some tips to survive a break-up that have worked wonders for us and our clients:
Feel Your Feelings
The stress of a broken relationship is often as difficult as a grieving process. Having your heart broken is losing something very meaningful and special. As with any great loss, there is a definite grieving process. Allow yourself to grieve and to go through the process; there is no need to rush and try to get past the pain, because it will only end up coming back to haunt you if you have not allowed yourself to fully process your loss.
Even if it was your decision to end the relationship, or it was not a great relationship, it is still a loss. It is still the end of something important, and therefore there is grief. I know women who are really hard on themselves because, even after leaving a bad, even abusive, relationship, they are still sad and think that they should not feel such grief.
Do not deny yourself your feelings; feel the sadness even if you think you should not. Always remember that whatever dire feelings of grief and sorrow you may be feeling after the ending of a relationship, ―this too shall pass. You will survive the break-up.
The good news is that relationships are ending all over the world on a daily basis and people are surviving. If you take the opportunity to learn and grow from ending the relationship you will definitely find love again and most likely a better and stronger relationship.
Acknowledge Your Anger & Resist Revenge
There is sometimes much anger before the relationship finally ends and more anger as you go through the stages; and then, depending on how you deal with the process, some residual anger.
Anger is a normal human emotion and an actual function in your break-up survival. When a situation makes us angry enough, it sometimes gives us the impetus to move forward and to take the actions necessary to deal with the situation.
Anger gives us a strange kind of energy that is sometimes necessary as you go through the process of ending a relationship. It is a slippery slope, though, and moving from anger to rage is never healthy.
During periods of anger, you may have revenge fantasies. Who among us has not considered calling the new woman in his life and airing the dirty laundry? In our cyber world, the temptation to hack into his Facebook.com page and send honest messages to his new partner has been a fleeting thought to more than one of us.
It is never a good idea to plan revenge. Planning the revenge with some close friends might be a cute way to get through a Friday night, but never follow through. You have too much to lose; your dignity and your values will be affected. It probably will not hurt him, but it could cause permanent damage to your reputation. Yes, revenge is sweet, but living a good life is really the best revenge.
What has worked really well for some of our clients is to write a letter that lets out all of your anger. Get all out, pen to paper, but the trick is to not send it (to maintain your reputation).
Take Comfort in Time Passing
Time really does heal all, which may be difficult to believe depending on what part of the grieving process you are in. There is really no roadmap for us to follow in this process, it is so painful and there is so much fear involved.
There is sometimes circular thinking as time moves on, when you re-think the situation and re-process all of your decisions and actions, the old would have/could have/should have refrain.
For me, this is not always circular sometimes the crazy eights are a better definition of the process.
Sherry explained this process as it occurred with her marriage break-up. When she first realized the relationship might end, she considered both the situation and all the implications. Her husband Steve had an affair with a co-worker. Sherry was devastated by the betrayal but also full of fear of life without him. She thought about what the effect of a divorce would be, the financial loss, the emotional pain, the loneliness and the loss of her best friend.
Physically she thought about how Steve rubbed her back just the right way after a long day and how well they cuddled together She thought about how sweet he was with those less fortunate; Steve had a heart of gold. It took Sherry a few months to realize she could not get over the betrayal; it had gone on for quite a while at a time, when she was dealing with a lot of stress at work.
The truth is that, when you trust your inner self and your intuition, and are not confused by extraneous circumstances, you will come to the right decision. The process reinforces your direction. Just be careful not to get stuck in one of the curves of the crazy eights!
Depending on the type and length of relationship, it is a good idea to get professional or spiritual help in dealing with these situations. You should always share with close friends or relationship coaches, as they can help both with the process and provide the emotional support and strength you will need.
It may seem that you will never love again, but you will…in time. Make sure you take the time that you need—only you will know what this is, and it is different for everyone. For example, statistically men get into a new relationship after a marriage break-up more quickly than women do.
Don’t put a limit on the time you may need to recover; it varies greatly from person to person. Do not measure your timelines and needs moving through these stages against your friends or acquaintances.
Embrace Distractions
You need to be distracted, so find something. Throw yourself into your work, into learning to play tennis, into spending time with friends or family; whatever it is, find something that keeps you busy and your mind off your break-up. Ideally, this would be something healthy such as improving your body or your mind, but that may be a lot to ask during your difficult time. The critical thing is that you do something and not nothing.
Something as simple as a walk can change your emotional condition. Sitting on your couch every day and just thinking about them is not going to help you get over him faster, although it may be your first step. Make sure you have other things on your life that will take the focus away from your loss. As time goes on increase the frequency of these other activities and they will soon be more than just distractions, but perhaps the new focus of your life.
And don’t resist the rebound. Having someone else around to talk to, go on dates with or just general companionship is a great distraction. Rebounds can be pretty helpful in getting over someone and ensuring break-up survival.
Cry to Heal
Crying has great healing powers. After a good cry, I always feel better. Let it out; let it all out. As a relationship coach explained to me, crying is an appropriate adult response to emotional pain. The ability to cry helps recovery; it helps process the pain; and eventually it will allow you to move on.
If you do not cry now, you will cry later, maybe in a different form. The end of any relationship is a loss on many levels, from the mundane—someone to
scratch your back; to the spiritual—that loss of what you believe was your soul mate, the one that you shared everything with. There may also be a loss of extended family, friends, social network, and financial security. These are all great losses and not to be minimized.
Sorrow and fear are appropriate responses to loss, and tears help process these feelings. Sometimes it feels like a day doesn‘t pass without tears for months on end; and then there is one day without tears, and you realize the tears may eventually stop. You will not drown or spend all your savings on tissue!
Do not worry about the judgment of others, never feel bad for crying, and do not ever apologize for your tears. Cry and you shall heal.
Hibernate and Don’t Hate
As a temporary survival method, it is all right to stay in your pajamas, sometimes for days if needed. If you are feeling the need to shut out the world and take a break, embrace it. Do not answer the phone, do not open the blinds, and do not shower until you feel like it. Sometimes you need to really get into something before you can get out of it.
Instead of being hard on yourself up and saying things like ―I should really get off the couch―; or ―I should really stop eating this ice cream‖; or ―I should really get my nails done‖, say ―I am in hibernation mode, I can do whatever the hell I want. After a few days of the same old sweats, greasy hair and a sugar hangover, you will come out of hibernation.
Love Yourself
You do not require a partner to survive. You will be all right on your own, it may just be temporary but this is a wonderful opportunity to build a new love foundation with yourself.
At this very trying time you need to be gentle with yourself; do not beat yourself up about why it did not work, why it went on for as long as it did, why he could not love you enough or why you could not love him in a way that would make it work.
The key to happiness is to love yourself before you can love others. When you are recovering from a great loss, it is important to show yourself love and gentleness. Tell yourself how much you love yourself it will help fill the void of hearing it from another person.
A relationship coach can guide you through this process.
Contact us to learn about how a Relationship Coach can help you survive a break-up and find a relationship you deserve.